Here are a few more of the editorial comments I’ve received on Gifts of the Hirakee. Again, if you have problems with this sort of feedback to your writing, you should reconsider how much you want to do it:
A very minor thing: This has more of a feel of being a description of what they are doing than what they are thinking. For example, though they are worried about Seth sneaking up on them, I’m sure John has at least one egotistical thought about how awesome he & his team are.
.” Again, maybe add a specific thought that Mindy or Brandon had, perhaps even Lauren expressing concern that Mindy is back to talking to animals again.
tendril The Repetition Police here. You used this word several times in previous chapters in reference to the campfire. It doesn’t work as well her, so I recommend it be replaced.
I really enjoyed this chapter, and loved the ending. During the second read, I added the more nit-picky suggestions – it really is a good chapter, and as I told you before, you do action well, and though I don’t care for action I was able to visualize the battle easily.
I LOVED this chapter. It is filled with those elements in your writing that I enjoy so much (for example, the description of the old park), and the interaction between Micah and Lauren (and Lauren’s beau) was perfect. I particularly liked how the question he wrote on the paper mirrored the question he remembered Lauren asking at the end of the previous chapter.
Trust that you’ve done a good enough job developing the characters that the reader knows this already.
Minor Point: There isn’t a fence in your description of the field in the previous chapter.
I deleted this mainly because you’ve already made several similar references (please don’t make me find them).
I edited out the first phrase because the reader gets that already, the second phrase because I’m not sure it is a necessary detail here – you can include it in the previous page when he comes home and takes off his wet clothes. Here, I feel that it reads better if you change the pace of the narrative so that it matches Micah’s urgent rush to Lauren’s. The laundry room detail (as the not picking up the cup, etc) just slows it down. What I put in parenthesis can be deleted as well.
I really think the reader can figure this out themselves.
Lee, I don’t particularly like this para. I don’t think you need most of what’s in it.
I am being extraordinarily picky here (even for me), but I don’t know much about dog prints – is a large dog print a lot smaller than an adult boot print?
WAIT – didn’t you say earlier that his mom wouldn’t be home for hours and his dad was at the store? How much time passed between glancing Lance in Lauren room and this?
I deleted the first sentence since his by his action we can assume that he was trying to reduce glare. For the same reason, you really don’t need the phrase in brackets.
Not crazy about this sentence. And I’m wondering if after everything that happened that day – the ups & downs of battle with the corresponding flow of adrenalin, he would think in such complete sentences.
But kinda like the way I thought you used too much “stage directions” in the first chapter, I think you use too much detail in this chapter. I know it is weird that I say this, because I think you have a good eye for detail and that you have a wonderful knack for describing things. But, for example, in the section above, the details you include don’t seem necessary.
The other reason I did a lot of strikethroughs is when I thought you told the reader too much, what we should be able to infer.
Well, there you go–three chapters of shameful fail on my part. More will follow as I get it and make the changes.