On Health:

Boss: How’s your heart problem today?
Me: It’s fine.
Boss: I thought it would get better with you not working so much with me.
Me: No, you’re the pain in my ass, not the pain in my chest.

On Interviewing:

Boss: I hate interviewing.
Me: I can tell. You suck at them.

More on Interviewing:

Boss: I really liked that last applicant.
Me: I can see why. Most people fall asleep listening to your life story.

On Inventory Management:

Boss: We have way too much inventory.
Me: Maybe you should talk to the idiot that ordered all of it.
Boss: I’m the one who ordered it.
Me: Exactly.

On Being from Memphis:

Boss: I grew up in the ‘hood.
Me: Great, why don’t you go back there?

On Smoking:

Boss: It’s my right to smoke.
Me: It’s my right to work in a moron-free environment and you’re still here.

On Boy Scouts:

Boss: I have a Leader’s meeting tonight.
Me: Take good notes. Maybe you’ll learn something.

Now, before you think I’m too harsh on this man, let me ask you this: What kind of man would proudly put up a framed picture of himself with, of all people, Tonya Harding in his office.

And they say I have a problem with authority . . .